Saturday, July 27, 2002

i'm feeling jittery, alive, wired. an altered state perhaps, or maybe just experiencing some arterial wonder from this evening's indulgences.

i should confess that we went to burdick's tonight (after seeing an intimate performance of 'the blue room' at the loeb ex). greg (who amazingly agreed to come with me to the play about a half-hour's notice beforehand) and i indulged in sumptuous, rich mochas and a decadent chocolate tasting plate with four gems that we hand-selected: trinidad, pistache, honey caramel truffle (with lemon pepper), and brazilia. each soft bite was heavenly. you know how they say that chocolate is an absolute aphrodisiac... :) anyway, that's why i think i'm in a quasi-euphoria at the moment. so much yummy chocolate in my tummy puts me in quite a state.

the strange sensations in my head also could well be my jet-lag hitting once again. since coming back from china on tuesday night (after 28 hours of various transports from hong kong baptist university to the frathouse--including a taxi, the airport express train, the flight that crossed over the arctic, a four-hour delay at newark because boston was in the middle of a blizzard [or something as severe as to shut down the airport completely], the flight to logan, and a taxi ride home), my sleep (and eating) schedule has been completely out of sync. after going to bed around 11pm on tuesday, i woke up the next day in a daze. looking out the window, i saw the sunshine was at half intensity, meaning it was either morning or evening. oh, dear. i crawled out and looked with disbelief at the clock: it was 7pm. i slept for 20 hours?! oh well, just enough time to do laundry and cook some frozen shrimp + pork + cabbage wontons.

since then i have been getting up, wide-eyed, at 4am, and taking three-hour naps in the middle of the day. i don't mind being erratic usually, but this is a little too rebellious. good thing i don't start work until monday, or else there would be more drool than usual on the keyboard.

(just kidding, paul! visualization research rocks!)

i had a really great time tonight. meeting up with greg was almost a fluke. he's one of those people that you meet at random events with different yet intersecting groups of friends. every time we meet we get along pretty well, reintroducing ourselves only to find that we're already naturally quite familiar with the other. i decided to email him tonight, and get to know him directly instead of bumping into him unpredictably at harvard shindigs. we had a fun evening; i only wish i had met him sooner! there's something so redeeming and reassuring about making a new friend. it's like the world makes sense for just one fleeting moment.

the weekend awaits; tomorrow, sand, sunshine, and strawberries. oh, how i've missed boston!

Friday, July 05, 2002

my last night in boston! well, for a little bit. here we come, china... :) quelle excitation, n'est-ce pas?

tonight, after calling up virtually everybody i knew for a dinner companion, i found myself faced with endless voice mails, beeps, rings, messages, apologies, absences, and emptiness. i ended up going all the way to coolidge corner just to get a burrito from anna's taqueria, all by my sweet self. such a cute area. i never met a jewish deli that i didnt like. ;) anyway, as for anna's, i cant believe i had such a tasty meal for $3. amazing.

oreo mint soft yogurt? yes.

on the way home i bumped into justin-on-bike, one of my ta's from mas.110. seriously, boston is such a small city. i see the same people over and over again, on the streets, in the T, around various squares, at parties. it's this humongous network that sprawls over the entire city and beyond, and we all belong! isn't that heartening to know? or frightening?

i've started to find myself distancing myself from the rest of the world. (well, basically, save for a select few.) perhaps i have unreasonably high standards (or better yet, the goods to spawn a ripe hypocrite), but people, no matter how innocuous they seem at first, always manage to disappoint me. do i expect too much, or is it just a coincidence that all these people around me are mindless, selfish, and destructive?

somehow i fear to know the answer.

have a great july, everyone. since i'll be missing out, happy birthday to celia, carlos, and jack. have a great concert, brahms soc! keep hydrated with a thirst for knowledge... i'll return with much aplomb in three weeks. zai jian!

so this morning i talked with him. on the phone. miraculous. i could hear the smile in his voice, the familiarity, the sincerity, the laughter. slightly over the monthly quota. twenty minutes? expense well worth. i miss him so much. it's as if the mexican sunshine flowed from his words straight into my heart. throb, warmth, radiance.

dear, join me for the fireworks. stand on the roof as the breeze plays with that dark curl near your left eye. i dive into the pool; you soon follow, causing a tremendous splash that refreshes skin with sad beautiful drops. tell me what is real. i dont want anything less than what you can give.

oh yes. happy birthday, america. may true freedom ring.

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

i have this love-hate relationship, see.

each of us has his role, and for most of the time, we enjoy mutual happiness. on a good day, i smile and watch the sky, thankful that he's helping me accelerate faster toward my intentions, my destinations, my hopes and sorrows. however, often i fear that i'm becoming a little too dependent on the relationship. he serves me so well, taking me places that i never thought possible, sending little vibrations down my spine, kneeling at my feet when necessary. but when i need his help most, i can't find him at all. i wait and wait, perspiring with nervousness, pacing here and there, tempted to leave the scene but inexplicably tied by a sense of loyalty and hopeful anticipation. when i finally see him come into view, i'm torn between sobbing with thankful tears and scowling at his oblivious disregard. i get this sensation almost all the time. it's like a rollercoaster, my emotional state, up and down, fluctuating between waiting and wanting. some may deem this relationship unhealthy, but i don't really have too much choice in the matter.

yes, MBTA, you have broken my heart too many times.

it's not always been much of an issue, but now that i'm jet-setting all over boston and cambridge without the aid of a car, i'm wholly dependent on the public transportation system. the subway purrs, the bus roars, and i am the queen. isn't that the way it should work? on monday evening, i waited at the #1 bus stop for literally, LITERALLY an hour. it was 10pm and i hadn't eaten dinner yet; i was on my way to a friend's to cook calzones in her kitchen, and here i stood listless beside a little metal stick displaying an apparently incorrect time schedule, holding dough and mushrooms in my hands, stomach rumbling, hair askew, nerves unraveling, eyes tiring. i fume and pace, waiting for an indefinite amount of time, feeling hurt as to be snubbed by a motorized hunk of wheeled metal after giving all my faith (and money) into the management of the bus system. it's infuriating to stand still while watching buses coming in the opposite direction, one, two, three, four times. right when i thought my gastric juices were going to wake up the entire city, i started heading for the subway stop a few blocks away. playing right along with the rules of irony, i saw the bus coming down the road as i was almost at the T. watch christine run back to the bus stop, half grateful, half livid. well, maybe not exactly half.

this morning was the same thing, except move the setting to harvard square, switch to the #69 bus, and it was in the disarming, soul-swallowing heat. how can they get away with this? oh yes, there is no other competition. yay, subsidized city transportation! i have a feeling that my college-bound kids will still see the plastic orange webbing around the horrid construction at park street station. i understand that improving the MBTA, it being such a central aspect of boston, is difficult, but when its flaws are affecting more and more people...

so anyway, that's when i decided it would be awesome to see the future. not for choosing winning lottery numbers, or seeing if i'll be successful in life, but for purely practical reasons. we get torn in situations when we're scared of making a choice and regretting not taking the alternative. in a literal sense, i wait at the bus stop, constantly debating on whether i should keep waiting, or just give up and take the subway. i sway back and forth, thinking that whatever choice i make, fate will swing the pendulum out from beneath my feet and it'll take me twice as long to get to my destination. it's sort of like the "hug a tree" principle. so i remain, waiting endlessly, allowing a passive decision to seep into my skin merely due to uncertainty. but this isn't even "fun uncertainty"; daring odds make risky ventures so rewarding. no, cheap uncertainty is just a stupid, meaningless unknown. i think back to harry potter and his magical map that shows the layout of the castle and dynamically indicates where everyone is and where they're going. if only i could get my hands on something that robust and marvelous. :) will we ever be able to have that sort of perception? to escape our human capabilities for a time and be able to control much more than we are able? or are we stuck forever in a tragic loop, waiting at the scheduled stop, peering once again down the lit street and yet seeing no bus in sight?

so you remain on the sidewalk. it'll have to come eventually, you tell yourself. just keep waiting.